You did your best. I wasn't there but I can't imagine a world where you don't do your best on something. Tensions were high. Things happen. You course correct.
[He does not point out that his best was, as it often is, not enough because that's just gratuitous self-pity right there. He'll focus on the part where what Kitty said was very kind instead.]
I'm glad that you were not there. You and Kirk both. No one was eating, sleeping, taking care of themselves... you would have been as bad as the worst of them, I'm certain.
Have you considered something between extremes? I have heard that moderation is worth trying. [More seriously:] Please never sleep for two months again, no matter how bored you are here [not that bored is usually an issue] or how behind on your sleep you are.
You know, I never had. Extreme kind of works for me, but if you're concerned I guess I could try to ramp it down. [She takes his hand and gives it a supportive squeeze. The next words are softer.]
I can't believe they're gone...like that. [She had braced herself for people disappearing in the time elapsed. She wasn't ready for death. It's almost...funny? She used to be ready for that all the time. She tried to be steel inside the way her husband was outside when she'd get the news. But it never really worked. As soon as there was time it all caught up with her.]
[He leans closer for shoulder-to-shoulder contact. Some tactile comfort.] It was unbelievable, even at the time. We knew when the meteor was going to strike the planet, we knew when to leave, we had nearly six days to prepare... and we still lost people. Our people, theirs. I thought that these things didn't happen here.
I know. [She didn't know those details of course. But she knows what he means about not happening here. This place has always been safer even with the raid that happened and the invasive calibrations there was always more time, more peace, more freedom than she felt in their concentrated stay in Marina and from what she's heard of the city it may have been even worse than the prison. And then even before that for both of them there were losses. Deaths. Consequences on global scales.
She reaches up to stroke his hair. Another time and she might be concerned about what signals she's sending given their complex relationship now, but for the moment she isn't thinking about it. She needs the tactile comfort too and she needs to provide it.]
It felt like this was probably the best place I'd ever been. [She can't say that fully. After all, they lack true freedom here, but she's been happier than she was at home in constant war.] I guess it still is, but it's just proving how much it can suck if it wants to. It must be bringing a lot up for you.
[Hey, all he needs is a promise that she'll do her best.
For all that the fleet has in common with home--sure the similarities begin and end at space and exploration, but it's more like home than the City or Marina--it has, until this incident, been far safer. Peaceful even. No threat of war, no time travelers bent on revenge, no genocidal dictators, no robotic swarms intent on destroying innocent starships. It hasn't even had the regularly-scheduled mental and environmental manipulations of the other prisons. Something like Lyuku shouldn't have happened here. No one should have died. That's not what happens in the fleet.
He rests his head against hers, enjoying the closeness (there hasn't been a lot of that with Kitty and Kirk out of commission--Fenris and Natasha aren't snuggly people) and not reading anything into it. Her heart belongs to Winn and that isn't going to change, he knows that. They're just two physically affectionate people who need this sometimes.]
It's better than your home. Better than Marina in most ways, even after this. [Objectively better, even; he can admit that much.] Maybe the Atroma felt that they have been too kind compared to their competitors.
[Oh god what if every prison is secretly a reality show. He'll file that thought away for later.]
This was different from Vulcan... but yes. There are some well-worn nightmares and fears coming back that I was convinced I had replaced with new and more exciting ones.
[Have you tried snuggling Fenris or Natasha? Maybe they'll surprise you.]
Maybe they aren't competitors. Maybe it's all it all comes from the same source. [She thinks it's more likely they are all experiments and none of them are cities or prisons or reality shows. Well, okay, they are all prisons in a sense. But she isn't really ready to talk out those details again. She's been over those thoughts and they lead in a perfect little circle that doesn't get them anywhere. It just makes your fitbit say, "you tried."]
Stay over tonight. [The last time she just fell asleep after crying on him. There was no discussion of it.] Having someone close usually helps me sleep. Maybe it will help you. Not that I am eager to sleep.
[He has not tried that because he still values his life, thank you.]
Maybe. [Sometimes Pavel is all for running around in theorizing circles, but not today. Life is currently worrisome enough without adding layers of metaphysical and existential uncertainty.]
I would like to do that. Thank you. [Even though he's a little surprised to hear her suggest it since the other time had been a fluke, he's not about to say no. One of the more profound downsides of a single existence is having no one around at night; he knows for a fact that he sleeps better when he isn't alone.]
You have a lot of being awake to catch up on... even if being awake isn't so good right now.
[Sometimes struggling seems like the responsible adult choice?]
He what? [No, he heard her fine, but who even does that? Russians take their terrible secrets to the grave.] Do... er. Would it be helpful to talk about it?
[And she will undoubtedly choose it again soon when she can no longer convince herself it's for his sake and not her own.]
I... I don't know if I can. [Which is saying something. She's usually so open about things. Even hard things. Hell, especially hard things. She can be casual about horrors, but this has shaken her. It's not just out of wanting to protect Kurt's privacy.] Maybe later?
[It can always be for his sake. He's willing to take that bullet.]
Okay. [He gives her a squeeze to emphasize that it really is okay and not just something he's saying. Some things are easier when they're shared; others need to be dealt with alone, at least initially.] ...I do think that everything getting better is inevitable from here.
Unless the Atroma are just escalating things. I never would have imagined the slavers' raid on us and then it happened and now this. Sorry. You were trying to make things sound hopeful. Maybe I should let you or maybe I should be doing that. Whose turn is it?
I've heard it's valued in some cultures. But you're on. Heat death it is. [She reaches out and picks up one of the pretty rocks she found upon awakening, still unaware of where they came from.] Any idea if these were from the planet?
What is? Hopefulness, entropy, or heath death? [He knows which one.]
They were, yes. The Lyukians call them Eynewa's Eyes, and they are meant to promote strength and--ironically, all things considered--hope. But only when they are in pairs.
Did you get these for me? [Sure, he could just know about them in that detail. Maybe they were a huge thing on the planet. But also...gift giving is pretty likely to be him.]
[He's pleased with himself for making her smile. That's the ultimate goal, that.]
Mmhm. [A little embarrassed. It's not an odd thing to do, but maybe it seems like he's trying to woo her or something? Which he is not!] I have other sets. It seemed important, especially once we were told what was going to happen to the planet, to have pieces of it.
Those, just because. The book [a thoroughly and colorfully illustrated overview of Lyukian physics because of course a planet of artisans illustrated physics texts] was for your birthday.
[That kiss is a pleasant surprise. It's not something that Chekov is inclined to think much of since he grew up with a lot of cheek kissing and none of it implied romance, but it seems more intimate than Kitty's usual gestures. Maybe that's a good sign. Maybe she isn't so afraid that he'll interpret affection the wrong way.]
It's a daily struggle. [Since it's one of those things that he's genuinely grateful to hear, he adds:] You're welcome, Kitty.
[She's still a little afraid, but less. She doesn't want him to read more into it than is there, but she does miss the closeness they once shared and she wants to get back there as long as he's comfortable with it.]
You've always been good to me. Even sleeping me. I guess you'd be sarcastic at me if I tried to apologize again for not being here for you during everything?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Action]
You did your best. I wasn't there but I can't imagine a world where you don't do your best on something. Tensions were high. Things happen. You course correct.
[Action]
I'm glad that you were not there. You and Kirk both. No one was eating, sleeping, taking care of themselves... you would have been as bad as the worst of them, I'm certain.
[Action]
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I can't believe they're gone...like that. [She had braced herself for people disappearing in the time elapsed. She wasn't ready for death. It's almost...funny? She used to be ready for that all the time. She tried to be steel inside the way her husband was outside when she'd get the news. But it never really worked. As soon as there was time it all caught up with her.]
[Action]
[He leans closer for shoulder-to-shoulder contact. Some tactile comfort.] It was unbelievable, even at the time. We knew when the meteor was going to strike the planet, we knew when to leave, we had nearly six days to prepare... and we still lost people. Our people, theirs. I thought that these things didn't happen here.
[Action]
I know. [She didn't know those details of course. But she knows what he means about not happening here. This place has always been safer even with the raid that happened and the invasive calibrations there was always more time, more peace, more freedom than she felt in their concentrated stay in Marina and from what she's heard of the city it may have been even worse than the prison. And then even before that for both of them there were losses. Deaths. Consequences on global scales.
She reaches up to stroke his hair. Another time and she might be concerned about what signals she's sending given their complex relationship now, but for the moment she isn't thinking about it. She needs the tactile comfort too and she needs to provide it.]
It felt like this was probably the best place I'd ever been. [She can't say that fully. After all, they lack true freedom here, but she's been happier than she was at home in constant war.] I guess it still is, but it's just proving how much it can suck if it wants to. It must be bringing a lot up for you.
[Action]
For all that the fleet has in common with home--sure the similarities begin and end at space and exploration, but it's more like home than the City or Marina--it has, until this incident, been far safer. Peaceful even. No threat of war, no time travelers bent on revenge, no genocidal dictators, no robotic swarms intent on destroying innocent starships. It hasn't even had the regularly-scheduled mental and environmental manipulations of the other prisons. Something like Lyuku shouldn't have happened here. No one should have died. That's not what happens in the fleet.
He rests his head against hers, enjoying the closeness (there hasn't been a lot of that with Kitty and Kirk out of commission--Fenris and Natasha aren't snuggly people) and not reading anything into it. Her heart belongs to Winn and that isn't going to change, he knows that. They're just two physically affectionate people who need this sometimes.]
It's better than your home. Better than Marina in most ways, even after this. [Objectively better, even; he can admit that much.] Maybe the Atroma felt that they have been too kind compared to their competitors.
[Oh god what if every prison is secretly a reality show. He'll file that thought away for later.]
This was different from Vulcan... but yes. There are some well-worn nightmares and fears coming back that I was convinced I had replaced with new and more exciting ones.
[Action]
Maybe they aren't competitors. Maybe it's all it all comes from the same source. [She thinks it's more likely they are all experiments and none of them are cities or prisons or reality shows. Well, okay, they are all prisons in a sense. But she isn't really ready to talk out those details again. She's been over those thoughts and they lead in a perfect little circle that doesn't get them anywhere. It just makes your fitbit say, "you tried."]
Stay over tonight. [The last time she just fell asleep after crying on him. There was no discussion of it.] Having someone close usually helps me sleep. Maybe it will help you. Not that I am eager to sleep.
[Action]
Maybe. [Sometimes Pavel is all for running around in theorizing circles, but not today. Life is currently worrisome enough without adding layers of metaphysical and existential uncertainty.]
I would like to do that. Thank you. [Even though he's a little surprised to hear her suggest it since the other time had been a fluke, he's not about to say no. One of the more profound downsides of a single existence is having no one around at night; he knows for a fact that he sleeps better when he isn't alone.]
You have a lot of being awake to catch up on... even if being awake isn't so good right now.
[Action]
I do. Lots of catching up.
It can't get worse than Kurt sending me a message admitting terrible things and then dying, right? That's the bottom? [No, really, she's asking.]
[Action]
He what? [No, he heard her fine, but who even does that? Russians take their terrible secrets to the grave.] Do... er. Would it be helpful to talk about it?
[Action]
I... I don't know if I can. [Which is saying something. She's usually so open about things. Even hard things. Hell, especially hard things. She can be casual about horrors, but this has shaken her. It's not just out of wanting to protect Kurt's privacy.] Maybe later?
[Action]
Okay. [He gives her a squeeze to emphasize that it really is okay and not just something he's saying. Some things are easier when they're shared; others need to be dealt with alone, at least initially.] ...I do think that everything getting better is inevitable from here.
[Action]
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They were, yes. The Lyukians call them Eynewa's Eyes, and they are meant to promote strength and--ironically, all things considered--hope. But only when they are in pairs.
[Action]
Did you get these for me? [Sure, he could just know about them in that detail. Maybe they were a huge thing on the planet. But also...gift giving is pretty likely to be him.]
[Action]
Mmhm. [A little embarrassed. It's not an odd thing to do, but maybe it seems like he's trying to woo her or something? Which he is not!] I have other sets. It seemed important, especially once we were told what was going to happen to the planet, to have pieces of it.
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It's a daily struggle. [Since it's one of those things that he's genuinely grateful to hear, he adds:] You're welcome, Kitty.
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[She's still a little afraid, but less. She doesn't want him to read more into it than is there, but she does miss the closeness they once shared and she wants to get back there as long as he's comfortable with it.]
You've always been good to me. Even sleeping me. I guess you'd be sarcastic at me if I tried to apologize again for not being here for you during everything?
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