It felt different right away to me, but I didn't really start letting myself believe it could have been different until I was here for awhile. [It doesn't help that her relationship with Winn was one of the things she'd look at. She almost tries to find another way to explain it but finally decides it's something they have to get through and not pretend doesn't exist.] I'd think about how things didn't feel like they were moving any faster or slower with Winn than they did with Reid, but if you go by actual time I've been with Winn so much longer. It just didn't add up unless time was wrong or our attachments or emotions were intensified. I wouldn't put that by them either, but things just feel different now in a way that's easier to sort out.
It would have been simple to manipulate the apparent passage of time. So simple that I'm embarrassed for not thinking of it. [Since pretending isn't the most effective way to actually change things, the example is a fair one. (And maybe repeated exposure to the truth is the fastest way to making everything okay.)] Different how? In the way that the subjective experience of time feels that it corresponds more closely to the passage of recorded time?
[It's also going to be impossible to hide once he wakes up and even more so if Chekov is on the Tourist. And she doesn't want to hide it. She wants to enjoy her love life openly and eagerly.]
Exactly. I mean in the prison at the time it felt like it all made sense but looking back now it feels like I was there years, not almost a year.
[Kitty's attitude towards love is so different here. She was careful about Chekov to spare Reid's feelings for what felt like the longest time and anything but eager to be in love again. Chekov has been attributing that to the fact that so little time passed in MarinaNova compared to here, but maybe not. Maybe he's just as much to blame for Kitty's reluctance and hesitation as time and Reid were.]
There will never be a way to know. Trying to understand a simulation from inside of that simulation... I think that was never going to be possible.
[So much of it was just the change of...everything. She wasn't around Reid or in the places they'd been in love and then been in heartbreak. She didn't have that one last go at it with him only to break up again. In her mind they honestly did part mostly as friends. Things had gone well in that last day as the shared the contents of their discs with each other. And then she had real distance and time apart. More intense distance than anyone might have guessed. Everything was new and then she met someone new. And it was bumpy in those first couple of months. There were so many things about Winn that reminded her of Reid and that scared her. She was scared of falling in love again. She'd only meant to have a fling, but if anyone is worse at that than her it's Winn Schott.]
Yeah. I've never been able to nail down exactly how long I think it really was. And I don't really look any older, but it's also possible those tanks slowed physical signs of aging.
[Someday, maybe, Kitty will either share that or Chekov will realize that he can't take as much credit for his comparative lack of romantic success as he would like to. It's just hard knowing that Kitty fell in love so thoroughly and (as far as he can tell) easily here when he's not certain that she ever would have loved him in MarinaNova.]
You still look exactly the way that you looked when I first met you--not a moment over thirty. [Nope, still not feeling the joke. When will his sense of humor return from the war?] After I left for three years, it felt that I'd been in the prison for that long. I thought that I was confused, but maybe returning home put time there into perspective.
[Have a light arm punch for the thirty reference.] That makes sense. I never had any of those moments. [Obviously. Dead.] It always felt a little off to say something like we've had three glitches in a week. Like the statement was both true and absurd at the same time. But I just figured I'd adjusted to that being my normal.
[He makes a show of rubbing his arm and looking offended.]
It's strange what can become normal, given enough time. After twenty years, even the idea of living inside of a simulation seemed normal. [He frowns.] That glitch was very recent.
We were made to think that we had been in the prison for twenty years. We were all older... resigned to living there for the rest of our lives, mostly.
[She doesn't try to touch him with his body language telling her to stay back.] Oh, Pavel...
I know they're machines, but those machines are monsters. [She remembers what that's like. How blurred things are afterward especially if there were already real feelings involved. She had that with Jack Harkness and while their fake memories never provided an exact time frame she'd guess they were supposed to have only been married a year or so. But seventeen years of love and devotion? How do you come back from that? Especially when you know you love the other person and they aren't saying maybe anymore. They're saying no.]
[She'd better not touch him. He was doing fine there for a few days and now he might cry again just because she feels bad for him and they were holding each other the last time they discussed the twenty year glitch. Even the audience is going to get tired of the crying.]
Machines lack the agency to be monsters. [It'd be easier if he could place the blame for this on the wardens or the Atroma or anyone at all, but there's no clear culprit. It's no one's fault that they're here and he loves her and she loves Winn. His, maybe, for deciding to fall in love again even though he knew that it was a bad idea. And their situation now can't even be blamed on Kitty or Winn who only want what he wants too--to be happy and loved back. He wants to get angry and tell Kitty that none of this is fair, but she doesn't deserve that.]
What I deserve is irrelevant. [He's not good at getting mad (unless the object of his anger is a disc that he can snap in half) and he's tired of self-pity. Withdrawing emotionally is the last trick he has.]
[You don't decide to fall in love. If you did she would have taken a hard pass every time and might have even been better off for it if you average it all out.] Thank you for telling me. [She's glad he still tells her things even though she can't make them better. She's just glad he has someone to talk to even if that someone is also breaking his heart.]
Okay. [That's going to be difficult, but it's not like anything else has been easy. He uncrosses his arms and clasps his hands behind his back, still stiff but considerably less defensive and trying to be casual.] You should probably not consult me for relationship advice, though.
Promise. [She feels bad enough looking back at all the times she talked about Reid with him.] But you can. I mean if you want and there's something to talk about.
[He has to smile at the very idea that he'll have something relationship-related (beyond this) to talk to anyone about.] Thank you. I will remember that.
[But then he's serious again, and eventually he'll stop being serious, he promises.] The last thing that I want is to lose your friendship, Kitty. I want you to know that because I don't think that I will always be a good friend here. [It feels like a necessary disclaimer even though he hopes he's wrong. There's a lot going on and he fears he might be too far in his head and caught up in his problems to be as good as he wants to be.]
[As long as they're still friends. Chekov really needs one of those right now. He hasn't exactly become best buddies with anyone in the brief time he's been here, and as great as Kirk and McCoy are, they're superior officers and best friends themselves; there's a distance there, even without over two years in other universes separating him from them.
And Kitty's special, of course. He wouldn't have fallen in love with her if her friendship hadn't been so dear and if there hadn't been so much about her to love.]
I hope that you're right. [He reaches over to touch her arm. A hug would be nice, but maybe it's not as appropriate as it was the first day when she was so excited to see him. The flower might get crumpled, too.] Thank you.
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Exactly. I mean in the prison at the time it felt like it all made sense but looking back now it feels like I was there years, not almost a year.
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There will never be a way to know. Trying to understand a simulation from inside of that simulation... I think that was never going to be possible.
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Yeah. I've never been able to nail down exactly how long I think it really was. And I don't really look any older, but it's also possible those tanks slowed physical signs of aging.
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You still look exactly the way that you looked when I first met you--not a moment over thirty. [Nope, still not feeling the joke. When will his sense of humor return from the war?] After I left for three years, it felt that I'd been in the prison for that long. I thought that I was confused, but maybe returning home put time there into perspective.
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It's strange what can become normal, given enough time. After twenty years, even the idea of living inside of a simulation seemed normal. [He frowns.] That glitch was very recent.
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There were good things about it.
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Were we...?
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I know they're machines, but those machines are monsters. [She remembers what that's like. How blurred things are afterward especially if there were already real feelings involved. She had that with Jack Harkness and while their fake memories never provided an exact time frame she'd guess they were supposed to have only been married a year or so. But seventeen years of love and devotion? How do you come back from that? Especially when you know you love the other person and they aren't saying maybe anymore. They're saying no.]
You deserve a lot better than this.
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Machines lack the agency to be monsters. [It'd be easier if he could place the blame for this on the wardens or the Atroma or anyone at all, but there's no clear culprit. It's no one's fault that they're here and he loves her and she loves Winn. His, maybe, for deciding to fall in love again even though he knew that it was a bad idea. And their situation now can't even be blamed on Kitty or Winn who only want what he wants too--to be happy and loved back. He wants to get angry and tell Kitty that none of this is fair, but she doesn't deserve that.]
What I deserve is irrelevant. [He's not good at getting mad (unless the object of his anger is a disc that he can snap in half) and he's tired of self-pity. Withdrawing emotionally is the last trick he has.]
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Do you mean that? I would rather not make you feel badly about things that you have no control over.
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[But then he's serious again, and eventually he'll stop being serious, he promises.] The last thing that I want is to lose your friendship, Kitty. I want you to know that because I don't think that I will always be a good friend here. [It feels like a necessary disclaimer even though he hopes he's wrong. There's a lot going on and he fears he might be too far in his head and caught up in his problems to be as good as he wants to be.]
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I can't really imagine you as a bad friend. Taking time or consideration to keep yourself together won't make you a bad friend.
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And Kitty's special, of course. He wouldn't have fallen in love with her if her friendship hadn't been so dear and if there hadn't been so much about her to love.]
I hope that you're right. [He reaches over to touch her arm. A hug would be nice, but maybe it's not as appropriate as it was the first day when she was so excited to see him. The flower might get crumpled, too.] Thank you.
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