We were made to think that we had been in the prison for twenty years. We were all older... resigned to living there for the rest of our lives, mostly.
[She doesn't try to touch him with his body language telling her to stay back.] Oh, Pavel...
I know they're machines, but those machines are monsters. [She remembers what that's like. How blurred things are afterward especially if there were already real feelings involved. She had that with Jack Harkness and while their fake memories never provided an exact time frame she'd guess they were supposed to have only been married a year or so. But seventeen years of love and devotion? How do you come back from that? Especially when you know you love the other person and they aren't saying maybe anymore. They're saying no.]
[She'd better not touch him. He was doing fine there for a few days and now he might cry again just because she feels bad for him and they were holding each other the last time they discussed the twenty year glitch. Even the audience is going to get tired of the crying.]
Machines lack the agency to be monsters. [It'd be easier if he could place the blame for this on the wardens or the Atroma or anyone at all, but there's no clear culprit. It's no one's fault that they're here and he loves her and she loves Winn. His, maybe, for deciding to fall in love again even though he knew that it was a bad idea. And their situation now can't even be blamed on Kitty or Winn who only want what he wants too--to be happy and loved back. He wants to get angry and tell Kitty that none of this is fair, but she doesn't deserve that.]
What I deserve is irrelevant. [He's not good at getting mad (unless the object of his anger is a disc that he can snap in half) and he's tired of self-pity. Withdrawing emotionally is the last trick he has.]
[You don't decide to fall in love. If you did she would have taken a hard pass every time and might have even been better off for it if you average it all out.] Thank you for telling me. [She's glad he still tells her things even though she can't make them better. She's just glad he has someone to talk to even if that someone is also breaking his heart.]
Okay. [That's going to be difficult, but it's not like anything else has been easy. He uncrosses his arms and clasps his hands behind his back, still stiff but considerably less defensive and trying to be casual.] You should probably not consult me for relationship advice, though.
Promise. [She feels bad enough looking back at all the times she talked about Reid with him.] But you can. I mean if you want and there's something to talk about.
[He has to smile at the very idea that he'll have something relationship-related (beyond this) to talk to anyone about.] Thank you. I will remember that.
[But then he's serious again, and eventually he'll stop being serious, he promises.] The last thing that I want is to lose your friendship, Kitty. I want you to know that because I don't think that I will always be a good friend here. [It feels like a necessary disclaimer even though he hopes he's wrong. There's a lot going on and he fears he might be too far in his head and caught up in his problems to be as good as he wants to be.]
[As long as they're still friends. Chekov really needs one of those right now. He hasn't exactly become best buddies with anyone in the brief time he's been here, and as great as Kirk and McCoy are, they're superior officers and best friends themselves; there's a distance there, even without over two years in other universes separating him from them.
And Kitty's special, of course. He wouldn't have fallen in love with her if her friendship hadn't been so dear and if there hadn't been so much about her to love.]
I hope that you're right. [He reaches over to touch her arm. A hug would be nice, but maybe it's not as appropriate as it was the first day when she was so excited to see him. The flower might get crumpled, too.] Thank you.
[She could protest. Put it off. Winn won't know she's there. She's never sure if it's helping her or making things harder when she does visit, but she also figures it could just be that Chekov needs some space, so she nods.] Well, good luck exploring. Call me if you want to do anything or if you have any questions or anything.
[He doesn't know what he needs except to not be in this universe. The more he thinks about it, the more he wonders if having people who don't remember everything here is better or worse than being surrounded by strangers.] I will, thank you.
Sure. [She gives him a little smile and takes a step back before turning around and eventually disappearing into one of the rooms. She wants to believe this can work out. She knows it will be rocky, but she's glad he's here even if she also wants better for him.]
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There were good things about it.
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Were we...?
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I know they're machines, but those machines are monsters. [She remembers what that's like. How blurred things are afterward especially if there were already real feelings involved. She had that with Jack Harkness and while their fake memories never provided an exact time frame she'd guess they were supposed to have only been married a year or so. But seventeen years of love and devotion? How do you come back from that? Especially when you know you love the other person and they aren't saying maybe anymore. They're saying no.]
You deserve a lot better than this.
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Machines lack the agency to be monsters. [It'd be easier if he could place the blame for this on the wardens or the Atroma or anyone at all, but there's no clear culprit. It's no one's fault that they're here and he loves her and she loves Winn. His, maybe, for deciding to fall in love again even though he knew that it was a bad idea. And their situation now can't even be blamed on Kitty or Winn who only want what he wants too--to be happy and loved back. He wants to get angry and tell Kitty that none of this is fair, but she doesn't deserve that.]
What I deserve is irrelevant. [He's not good at getting mad (unless the object of his anger is a disc that he can snap in half) and he's tired of self-pity. Withdrawing emotionally is the last trick he has.]
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Do you mean that? I would rather not make you feel badly about things that you have no control over.
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[But then he's serious again, and eventually he'll stop being serious, he promises.] The last thing that I want is to lose your friendship, Kitty. I want you to know that because I don't think that I will always be a good friend here. [It feels like a necessary disclaimer even though he hopes he's wrong. There's a lot going on and he fears he might be too far in his head and caught up in his problems to be as good as he wants to be.]
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I can't really imagine you as a bad friend. Taking time or consideration to keep yourself together won't make you a bad friend.
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And Kitty's special, of course. He wouldn't have fallen in love with her if her friendship hadn't been so dear and if there hadn't been so much about her to love.]
I hope that you're right. [He reaches over to touch her arm. A hug would be nice, but maybe it's not as appropriate as it was the first day when she was so excited to see him. The flower might get crumpled, too.] Thank you.
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