[If this weren't video she'd probably just reach over and hug him right now. Maybe it's good that it is video. Maybe that's the wrong move. Maybe she's already doing too much because she doubts he's coming around so much as she thinks he's closing off. Maybe she should be talking less and listening more. Not her strongest suit, but she wants to try.]
[Hugging is always the right move... except for times like this when hugger and huggee are separated by the vacuum of space. They don't work well in situations like that.
He hesitates and considers making a joke or doing something else to shut this down and keep himself from talking more. Talking with Kitty led to some pretty serious regrets last time he decided to go for it. (He probably needs other friends he feels comfortable talking to.)]
...Unlikely. Lonely. Like loneliness is deserved, maybe, and inevitable.
[She fights back the urge to tell him he's none of those things because he's feeling them so it's real to him. She just hopes he knows she's not cosigning them either.] Why do you think it's deserved?
At home, I'm not very good at staying. And away from home, I don't know that I give people many reasons to want to stay. [That's a whole can of insecurities that he's been ignoring for ages, though, and he backtracks abruptly to get away from that. Kitty's trying to help, it's time to be helped!
He tries for a smile and mostly succeeds.] But what I don't feel is unloved. Thank you for that, Kitty.
You are loved and I definitely don't want less of you in my life. [But that kind of comes back to how this whole thing started.] Unless it's for your benefit. [Both things can be true.]
You make me feel that too. You've been a great friend to me.
[She tilts her head, looking at him curiously.] Do you think you're priorities have changed?
I don't want less of you either. After experimentation, I can say with great confidence that I am not at all benefited by less time with you.
[He has not been a great friend in the Fleet, but it seems counterproductive to remind her of all of the not-helping he's been doing. Maybe she's grading on a scale that doesn't involve utility.]
[She still thinks he's a great friend. What more counts? Friends aren't about how much they do for you. Not that she could give a proper definition if she tried.]
You said you aren't very good at staying at home. Do you think you'd prioritize a relationship over your career now? I mean, I'm not saying you should or that it's better. I was just wondering if what you want has changed that much.
[They're in agreement! Continuing to hang out it is.
Pavel knows who his friends are; he doesn't have any real criteria. When it comes to determining who considers him a friend, however, there's a built-in assumption on his part that he has to be of some use to them. It's like being on a crew--you earn your place.]
I think... maybe, if I loved someone and they asked me to stay with them, I would. [That feels correct. Maybe he'd think differently if he suspected there was a chance that someone other than his father would ask him to stick around.] If I thought that they would be happier with me there.
Edited (changed it 'cause I hated my first reply and figured you wouldn't mind!) 2018-11-30 17:51 (UTC)
[She's glad for that and she hopes he means it and doesn't just want to say it to make her feel better. She wouldn't put that past him! But she's going to trust in his words and do her best not to second guess them. It's not up to her to decide what's best for him. He answered for himself.]
Who wouldn't be happier with you? [Not that she'd expect everyone to ask him to make a life altering decision to stay with them. And she has nowhere to ask someone to stay. The answer does feel like a change though. When she first met him in the prison she didn't think he'd ever potentially choose anyone over Star Fleet.]
[Say something just to make Kitty feel better? He would never! He would but she would catch him.]
Probably more people than I would like to imagine. [He says it like a joke, but it seems highly possible that Kitty, at least, would be happier without him around. Her happiest times, by her own admission, in Marina and the Fleet happened when he wasn't there... which he knows is more coincidence than anything else, but it does mean that he has never been that successful at making her happy--not like Reid or Winn. Maybe he helped in Marina where he could listen to her problems, offer affection when she needed it, and provide light, uncomplicated company the rest of the time, but he's useless to her in the Fleet. If anything, he's making her unhappier by making her feel bad about things like kissing Vash.
She could pick up on the gist of that bracket text either by virtue of knowing Pavel for a long time or by virtue of him being just as transparent now as he was when they first met. A lot has changed--most of it for the worst, like his increasing doubt about his abilities as a Starfleet officer and growing suspicion that he'll never belong anywhere or be worth much of anything--but that has not.
ANYWAY whether she picks anything up or not, he's going to move along in case his reply didn't land like the joke it was meant to be.]
But it doesn't matter very much because everyone in the Fleet has me until the Atroma decide otherwise.
[The joke portion definitely feels see through to her given other conversations or earlier in this one.] Okay, that was a rhetorical question meant to just state that no one would be happier without you. Just accept it. [She knows it's not that easy, but she's putting her verbal foot down anyway. If nothing else she assumes he imagines some throngs of other people. She isn't thinking he could mean her.
She's less sure what to say to the last part. It sounds like he just feels trapped and well, he is. They all are. But most days she doesn't just feel trapped. But maybe that's the difference between being dead back home or not.]
Sorry, sorry. I thought that you were asking for a list. [He did not think that at all, but he is sorry. Kitty's trying. She's wrong and doesn't seem to remember that he's never made her happy, but the effort is there and the least he can do is act helped.
He attributes the lack of a further response to annoyance or frustration, which is fair and, honestly, same.]
Never. Lists are the worst. All those things in order? Who can stand it? [Trying to joke around and lighten the mood. Is it working? Should she do a tight 5 on lists?]
If you have a list of people who like lists I'd love to hear it. [What a topic they've landed on. This is the safest of territories and could surely never fail them.]
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How does it feel to you?
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He hesitates and considers making a joke or doing something else to shut this down and keep himself from talking more. Talking with Kitty led to some pretty serious regrets last time he decided to go for it. (He probably needs other friends he feels comfortable talking to.)]
...Unlikely. Lonely. Like loneliness is deserved, maybe, and inevitable.
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He tries for a smile and mostly succeeds.] But what I don't feel is unloved. Thank you for that, Kitty.
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You make me feel that too. You've been a great friend to me.
[She tilts her head, looking at him curiously.] Do you think you're priorities have changed?
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[He has not been a great friend in the Fleet, but it seems counterproductive to remind her of all of the not-helping he's been doing. Maybe she's grading on a scale that doesn't involve utility.]
How do you mean?
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[She still thinks he's a great friend. What more counts? Friends aren't about how much they do for you. Not that she could give a proper definition if she tried.]
You said you aren't very good at staying at home. Do you think you'd prioritize a relationship over your career now? I mean, I'm not saying you should or that it's better. I was just wondering if what you want has changed that much.
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Pavel knows who his friends are; he doesn't have any real criteria. When it comes to determining who considers him a friend, however, there's a built-in assumption on his part that he has to be of some use to them. It's like being on a crew--you earn your place.]
I think... maybe, if I loved someone and they asked me to stay with them, I would. [That feels correct. Maybe he'd think differently if he suspected there was a chance that someone other than his father would ask him to stick around.] If I thought that they would be happier with me there.
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Who wouldn't be happier with you? [Not that she'd expect everyone to ask him to make a life altering decision to stay with them. And she has nowhere to ask someone to stay. The answer does feel like a change though. When she first met him in the prison she didn't think he'd ever potentially choose anyone over Star Fleet.]
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He would but she would catch him.]Probably more people than I would like to imagine. [He says it like a joke, but it seems highly possible that Kitty, at least, would be happier without him around. Her happiest times, by her own admission, in Marina and the Fleet happened when he wasn't there... which he knows is more coincidence than anything else, but it does mean that he has never been that successful at making her happy--not like Reid or Winn. Maybe he helped in Marina where he could listen to her problems, offer affection when she needed it, and provide light, uncomplicated company the rest of the time, but he's useless to her in the Fleet. If anything, he's making her unhappier by making her feel bad about things like kissing Vash.
She could pick up on the gist of that bracket text either by virtue of knowing Pavel for a long time or by virtue of him being just as transparent now as he was when they first met. A lot has changed--most of it for the worst, like his increasing doubt about his abilities as a Starfleet officer and growing suspicion that he'll never belong anywhere or be worth much of anything--but that has not.
ANYWAY whether she picks anything up or not, he's going to move along in case his reply didn't land like the joke it was meant to be.]
But it doesn't matter very much because everyone in the Fleet has me until the Atroma decide otherwise.
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She's less sure what to say to the last part. It sounds like he just feels trapped and well, he is. They all are. But most days she doesn't just feel trapped. But maybe that's the difference between being dead back home or not.]
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He attributes the lack of a further response to annoyance or frustration, which is fair and, honestly, same.]
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