Memory: Tessa

Source: Roleplay (Polychromatic)
Time: Year 2 (age ~nineteen)


Pavel, eighteen and in civilian clothes, is walking down a city street, arm-in-arm with a pretty young woman with dark hair. They both look a little pensive. Sad, even.

"What else has changed?" the woman asks quietly.

Pavel frowns. "I had another--I was seeing someone, romantically. I'm not sorry for that, but it did sometimes seem disrespectful to you."

She looks away from him. Her reply comes with some difficulty. "I do not think it disrespectful. If you... loved her. I know that you did, me.

"I did," he says quietly. "I still do. Maybe it is something that never goes away entirely."

"I do not think that loving one person must be at the exclusion of loving anyone else." She pauses, clearly uncertain as to whether or not she should continue. "I, back home--I was engaged to be married to Jem. I love both him and Will."

Pavel's face rapidly goes from surprised to confused to carefully neutral. It takes him a moment to come up with an appropriate response, but when he does, he sounds nothing but genuinely curious. "And they make you happy?"

"Yes."

"Good," he says, all sincerity. "That's what is important. That you are happy."

She nods, but her expression is troubled. "I--I did not remember you. At home."

"I would not expect you to." The Russian tries for a reassuring smile. "I'm luckier, in that way. All of my memories of you are good."

"I remember now." It sounds like an admission she doesn't want to make, as if remembering Pavel somehow makes loving Jem and Will a betrayal. 

Pavel doesn't feel betrayed. It's... hard, hearing that the girl he loved is in love with two other men, but it's been a year. There was no expectation that what they had would last. Of course she moved on, and so did he. Even if he never stopped loving her. "That doesn't mean that you have to love anyone any less." 

"I do not think I could, even if I tried." 

They lapse into solemn silence as they continue their walk.

Memory: Kitty

Source: Roleplay (MarinaNova)
Time: Day 412


Pavel and Kitty are in bed together. The former is wide awake and way more tense than someone in his position probably should be, the latter is still asleep, and both are, mercifully, wearing pajamas. Small miracles. 

Kitty stirs, tilts her head to look at her bedmate, and offers him a sleepy, "Hi."

Pavel relaxes incrementally and even summons a smile. "Good morning."

"That would be my preference," she replies, still a bit drowsy, before leaning in slowly to give him a soft kiss. He returns it eagerly and quickly forgets all about being nervous. Her hand slides through his hair; he moves closer.

"I still love you," he says quietly, almost absently. 

Kitty smiles. "I love--" But then she catches herself. Her smile vanishes and she looks so, so apologetic and sad. "I, um... I'm going to wait."

Pavel has clear and immediate regrets and all of that tension returns full force. "I didn't mean--" He brings up a hand to cup her cheek. "I'm sorry, yes, you can wait. You can wait indefinitely if you like, I don't mind, you never need to say it back."

She wraps her arms around him and hides her face against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Pasha."

He hugs her tightly. "It's okay. Everything is fine."

There's a long moment of silence before Kitty's hiding turns into nuzzling. "It was a good future."

"It was," he agrees quietly. "It was very good."

"Our tribble was cute."

"Yes, Pushistyy." The stupid name makes him smile, but it only lasts a moment. "The... ah, our arrangement was... interesting."

"Yeah... I never would have guessed that one. I guess that's how you know it's one of their games and not the actual future. It seemed more like something Jack would have worked out instead." Kitty glances over at the blue band on her wrist--an action that Pavel ascribes no immediate significance to.

He does, however, roll just far enough away to give her a curious and puzzled look. "You wouldn't want something like that if the bands were gone?"

"Pavel, I can't tell you what I might want twenty years from now, but right now I just want to be with you."

He nods, then closes the space between them once again. "I want that now, too. How we are, like this... I'm happy with you."

"I'm happy with you," Kitty echoes before dipping in for a quick kiss. "There is something you should know about yesterday though."

That tone elicits some concern. "What is it that I should know?"

She hesitates. "I was... I used the agreement that we had yesterday."

He gives her one of those long looks that always means he's thinking too hard about some new piece of information. "Ah. After we..." And back to thinking. "That was the purpose of the agreement, yes. It only makes sense that you would... er, take advantage of it."

"I really wish I hadn't." She threads her fingers with his. "These things are going to happen here sometimes. The mistletoe bots, the shared dreams, waking up with new memories... Maybe we should talk about how we want to handle it as a couple?"

"I understand." He looks down at their interlaced hands and gives hers a squeeze. "None of these things can be controlled and neither of us should feel responsible for them when they happen." Because, as they both know, that is exactly how emotions work. "What makes sense to you? You have had to navigate a relationship with these obstacles before."

"You mean the relationship that self-destructed?"

Pavel winces. "Yes, that one."

"I could say the opposite of whatever we did, but you're not Reid. So we should probably figure out what works for us." Kitty's voice softens. "I guess for me I'd want honest and clear, but not detailed. And reassurance. I just always want to be able to talk about things. What about you?"

"I can do that, and I would want the same--honesty and discussion, and to know that you still..." he pauses, trying to find the right phrasing, "find me important. And if you have doubts or if I upset you, I would want to know that also."

She hugs him. "You are very important to me. I want to be with you."

His arms circle her immediately. "You are with me, right now." 

"I am." Kitty has that sad and apologetic look again. "Do you want to know who it was?"

Pavel draws back just a bit. "Yes, please."

"It was Jack."
 
"Aha." A pause, then a slow nod. "You're close to him, I know that."

She takes his hand again. "Yeah..." A deep breath, and then: "He's a close friend, and there has been an attraction for awhile. Part of that is that everyone kind of does because of the future pheromones? And one time we spent a day convinced we were married." Kitty's getting nervous. She's hiding it well, but. "After that things were a little more confusing, but he wants to be with Ianto and I want to be with you."

Pavel frowns in that thinking-hard way. He certainly doesn't look surprised or disappointed, and the way he squeezes her hand seems promising. "This... eh, this was ongoing when you were with Reid? And he knew?"

"Reid and I were broken up when the marriage thing happened." She ducks her head. "My first thought the next morning was just feeling miserable that I'd cheated on him and afraid he'd be upset. Even though I couldn't cheat on him then. And then the whole thing just reminded me of how alone and unloved I felt." She swallows hard and moves along. "Before that when we were together there was some attraction, but outside of mistletoe kisses nothing ever happened. We'd dance together and sometimes he'd get a little jealous, but I always went home with him."

"I wont be jealous if you dance," Pavel replies, "as long as you always remember to dance with me too."

"Always." Kitty looks relieved. She leans in to kiss Pavel. "Thank you for being in my life. I know that wasn't entirely us yesterday, but you made that Kitty feel so happy and loved and free and confident and..." She trails off and just hugs him.

He hugs her back tightly. "I would like to make this Kitty feel the same way someday." 

They hold each other in silence for several moments before Kitty seems to remember that she's a mess. "Are you sure? I wouldn't blame you if you wanted out."

Pavel smiles, not that Kitty can see from her current vantage point. "I am. How could I want out now?"

"Maybe because you were paying attention?" She strokes his hair gently and makes no move to leave his arms. "Pavel, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want out either so I'm going to have to work on being a good girlfriend."

"You are being one now," he says sincerely. "You're telling me the truth."

She nods even if she doesn't seem that much more confident about what she needs to say. "I am keeping Jack and Reid, if he'll have me, in my life. Not like yesterday. But I can't cut either of them out."

"Kitty, Jack is your friend and Reid is... Reid. Yes, keep them, of course." For the first time in this entire conversation, a little bit of insecurity creeps into his voice. "But try to always come back to me?"

"I'm your boomerang." She hugs him tighter. After a moment... "That was kind of a ridiculous line, wasn't it?"

"No." Or. Well. He smiles and amends that with, "...Yes, a little, but the thought behind it was good."

"I try for at least that." She leans her head against his." Let's just be honest with each other and tell each other what we need and find ways to work it out if something isn't working itself out?"

"Okay. I can do that. I--" An uncertain pause. "Ah... maybe this doesn't matter, but you should know that I have never been with anyone for very long. Never longer than a year, and never with the thought that anything would last."

A smirk turns up the edges of Kitty's mouth. "Feels strange to hear you say that when part of me still feels like we were together for twenty years."

"It's strange to say when I have seen myself with you twenty years from now."

"Did you want anything to last before?"

"Lasting wasn't an option, not if I wanted to continue with Starfleet. Everything has been second to that, always." Pavel pauses the sort of pause that implies that he still has things to say, he just hasn't figured out how to say them. "I want this to last, Kitty, I know that, but I worry that I won't be good at it because I have never done it. Does that make sense?"

"I was with Piotr for years, but I wouldn't be with you now if any of mine had lasted either. And they were all pretty spectacularly heartbreaking by the end, so I'm probably going to have some issues from all of that." Kitty pauses, perhaps realizing that she's tried to scare him off enough for one day, and adds, "For what it's worth, I think you'd be a really great long-term boyfriend."

"I'm not afraid of your issues," he says, again with the deepest sincerity. "I'm afraid of disappointing you. But thank you. I want to try."

Kitty smiles. "You've never disappointed me."

"I'll do everything that I can to keep that true." He lets go of her and kisses her forehead.