El drifts in and out of consciousness during their journey; in her brief moments of consciousness, she's only aware of the tightness in her chest, the pounding of her heart, a feeling like she's going to die -- and so she uncharacteristically flees back into oblivion.

I love you, have courage, her mother's note, written on a tiny scrap of onion skin, had said, but El has already used up every last scrap of courage she'd had. Spite and hope had carried her through those hellish years at the Scholomance, but spite alone wouldn't be enough to fight back the tidal waves of grief and despair.

She really should have listened when her mom said to stay far away from Orion Lake.